How to Cope with Grief After a Murder?

Everyone is someone’s son or daughter. No mother wants to see or hear that their child was murdered. Why is it that some good people seem to die too young while bad people just continue to live?

There are many different types of grief and loss, but how do you cope with grief after a murder? Coping with the murder of a loved one is not only difficult, but it can also be much more complicated because of various other past, current and future factors. The last thing anyone wants to hear is that someone they loved has died and it’s even worse if the person was murdered. This brings about so many other questions and additional emotions.

Statistics and Circumstances of Homicide

7.5 out of 100,000 people died due to homicide in 2020, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Out of this number 5.9 deaths were due to firearm homicides. The number of people who died due to homicide has increased from 6 out of 100,000 homicide deaths in 2019 and is a 30% jump from 2019 to 2020. Some of the circumstances related to homicides are being a victim and/or an offender in a relationship (intimate relationship or family relationship), homicide of a law enforcement officer or by a law enforcement officer, a neighbor acquaintance/friend murdering someone, murder or manslaughter during an argument, murder by a stranger, or a felony-type murder such as a robbery, burglary, rape, or drug deal.

Crimes Resulting in Murder or Manslaughter

Oftentimes, people who live in urban areas are most likely to either witness a murder, know someone who was murdered or become a victim of murder. What is going through a person’s head to think that they have to kill someone? Over what? Why are so many people being murdered? And what about the families and friends that are left behind? What does this do to the communities? There are so many questions that deserve and need answers.

Innocent victims as well as people committing illegal crimes are being murdered. The large assumption is that if a person is committing a crime, they are doing this by choice. People generally know right from wrong as it relates to the law. Certain crimes will get you sentenced to jail. That is a fact. With that being the case, why do people still engage in these crimes? Is it really worth it? People are intentionally committing crimes such as selling drugs, robbing people or stores, raping women or men, driving under the influence, and committing mass shootings. Some of these crimes are resulting in manslaughterer or murder. These crimes are punishable by prison time. Although, this is good to hear, it’s not always nearly enough.

Victims and the People Affected by their Death

When a person is murdered, there are many people who are affected by that death. Naturally, the victim’s parents, siblings, grandparents and children will be greatly affected. Their extended family, friends considered to be family, other friends, coworkers, classmates, and many other people may be affected too. Death can also have a great impact on communities, especially small or close-knit communities. Our hearts always go out to the victim’s family and loved ones.

But what about the person who intentionally committed the crime? What if they died while committing a crime or murdered someone and ended up dying? What about their family and friends? We all have a mother who gave birth to us, who held us in their arms when we were born. Chances are they may be grieving too because they lost a son or daughter to murder. A person doesn’t grieve less just because someone they loved died while committing a crime or after murdering someone. Grieving doesn’t mean that they condone what the person did, are making excuses or think what the person did was okay. We are all human. We all have emotions. We all feel sadness.

Dealing with the Courts and Court Trials While Grieving

When someone is murdered in addition to grieving, you may also have to deal with law enforcement officers, hospital, medical personnel, detectives, court, and court trials. This can be a lot to deal with at one time but may not be something you can just put off. Unfortunately, certain things still need to be addressed right away so that people can solve the case. This may mean being questioned by police officers, detectives, and other investigators multiple times. There may be lawyers with whom you need to communicate and may find yourself telling the same story to again and again. If anyone else was wounded, you may have to deal with the hospital, whether it’s visiting someone, appointments, follow-up appts, taking someone to appts, or dealing with medical costs.

Depending on the circumstances, you may also have to deal with a judge, court, days of hearings, and various court trials. These may be spread out over a few days or weeks. The trials could combine the individuals involved, or there may be separate trials for everyone involved. The steps or process for murders consist of the following: investigation, arrest, charge, arraignment, discovery, plea bargaining, hearing, trial, sentencing, and appeal. Appeals can be made at almost any time in the future. Imagine having to go through all of this while grieving over the death of someone you loved that was murdered. Now imagine having to go through some of this again years later cause of an appeal. Losing someone you love is difficult enough without having to deal with the criminal justice system.

Ways to Cope with Grief After a Murder

Coping with grief after a murder can be exceedingly difficult and presents its own unique set of circumstances, regardless of whether your grief is for a victim of murder or for the murderer. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, nor can you put a time limit on how long your grieving should last. Each person’s grief is different and unique to them based on many factors. However, there are ways to cope with grief after a murder.

Take Time Off from Work – Most jobs will allow you to take time off from work. Although it may not seem like a lot, you should still take time off. If you need more days, consider taking a mental health day or using some vacation time. Even if you can’t take a lot of time right away, plan to take some time off at a later date. Depending on the circumstances you may need it.
Spend Time with Family – Being alone too much after a death is not necessarily the best solution. Take some time to spend with family and visit them if possible. Even talking to them on the phone or virtually can help. They will be grieving too and can be great people to talk to since they also knew the person who died. They may also have a little insight and an understanding of what you are going through.
Talk to a Friend – Let your friends help you by just spending time with them, talking to them, or sharing your feelings with them. Chances are they’ll be there for you and will want to help you. They can also be a good distraction when you may not want to talk about the murder.
Write in a Diary or Journal – Writing in a diary or a journal is another great option. This is a place where you can express your innermost thoughts and feelings that you may not be ready to share or talk about yet. Perhaps you may not want to talk about them because of the circumstances of the murder. Your diary and journal are not going to judge you. Just be sure you keep this in a safe space or location.
Take up a Hobby – There will be times when you just need a distraction or may want a distraction. A hobby can be the perfect thing to get your mind off the death, even if it’s only for a couple of hours. Think about some of your current hobbies or past hobbies. This could also be a good time to engage in a new hobby. Try to think of a variety of things that you can do with others, by yourself, inside and outside.
Get Involved – Getting involved in an organization your loved one was passionate about is another option that may help you to still feel close to them. Perhaps you may even want to start a cause, scholarship or event in their name to honor or remember them. This allows you to direct your grief in a healthy way that may help other people in your community and bring more awareness.
Join a Support Group or Therapy Group – Support groups and Therapy Groups allow you to process your grief and loss with other people. Groups can be even more beneficial when they have people in them who have experienced the same thing you’re going through or something similar.
Participate in Therapy – Therapy is always a great idea. This allows you to take care of your mental health needs. Individual or family therapy can be utilized as you process your grief and loss and murder of your loved one. Therapy is also a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings with someone without fear of being judged.
Seek out Additional Resources – If you are grieving after the murder of a loved one, you should also seek out other resources. You may need resources for food or paying your utilities if the person who died was the main breadwinner. Perhaps you could get assistance with hotel costs or transportation if there will be court dates and trials to attend. They may even have money to cover the cost of therapy sessions or therapy groups or can refer you to a support group based on your circumstance.